ellen

so i have started this thing at least twice...how to remember ellen ....how can i not remember is a better thought... how can i not remember her funny voice which i loved and she really didn't... how can i not remember her questions and our conversations about all our questions... how can i not remember her love for her c group girls... how can i not remember how she loved her family... mitsuki had i think the number one spot sorry rich...how can i not remember how she loved Jesus...how can i not remember that she raged against her cancer, that she fought til the very end and then looked at me and said "i don't know how to do this dying thing....but she did know.... and better than that she lived until the moment she died and i know that is what God asks us all to do...so how did she do that and how can we? ...i remember talking about 5 things with ellen... 5 things to remember in all our relationships to say... i love you...i forgive you...will you forgive me...thank you and goodbye.... ellen did each of these things so well... even when perplexed by how to say the words... her tenacity and courage were rooted in the knowledge that Jesus was coming soon [she always told me so]... her hope was that she would see him soon [even when she wanted just a few more months...and i think she wanted jesus to come before she died so we could all be together] i miss her and still think that soon she will just call and say hi and we'll talk and plan a new way to reach students and tell them how much we love them...we'll laugh and cry about wigs and about cancer... i will remember the days we shared a room with 25 plus girls in spokane ... i will remember the days before our surgeries when we cried together and laughed as well at all the various indignities associated with them...i'll remember her tiny sturdy and strong body full of energy as she put together mission trip packets late into the night... i'll remember the haven and our dear friends who were a part of the prayers, study and fellowship that was our haven...i will remember her desire for us all to know the goodness of God... i will remember her joy as erin and tim and tim and chie moved home ...i'll remember her love for chris... i'll remember that someday we were going to africa... i will remember that she and rich loved to watch survivor with sue and duane and that she loved us all so much... i will rage and cry and wonder why ellen ...why not someone else someone i didn't love and then i will remember these words ...."Look, God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! they're his people, he's their God he'll wipe every tear from their eyes. death is gone for good-tears gone, crying gone, pain gone-all the first order of things gone " [rev 21] and i will know that ellen is there in the place of glory with no pain... no tears... no death and i will know comfort
if there is anything i can say in the face of this sadness it is to laugh and to love and to show hope in the midst of hopelessness... ellen would have... will we? and be sure to wear a yellow wig when you do

i wrote this a number of months ago when my friend ellen died ...once again the words of faith are double edged [?] one side says they are true and the other says show me